Six months ago, I hit rock bottom. Like total, blackest of despair, ROCK BOTTOM. But what my post Strawberry Lemonade Part I didn’t go into, was that something beyond a car accident and my mom getting cancer had happened. Something that after a lot of time, love and effort was gone in an instant…
When I got into that car accident, I was pregnant. Six months ago this week I was due, when like the Fresh Prince of Bel Air, my life got flipped turned upside down.
My hubby and I have had a hard time with this subject.
Yes, we have spent the last few years wondering why a love as strong as ours, somehow wasn’t strong enough to make a baby (And yes, we know that’s not it—but it’s hard not to question EVERYTHING when it’s just not working).
I mean, we tried everything. Made changes to our diet and lifestyle. Followed all the rules. Heck, I even prayed.
Our Fertility Journey
After two years, we went to a fertility clinic to see “what was wrong with us.” As luck would have it, the universe laughed a little at us: turns out, it was unexplainable infertility.
It was hard.
Stressful and painful both mentally and physically. SO many tests and needles and pills…. But the doctors and nurses at The Reproductive Care Centre in Mississauga became my sisters. Like family.
The loveliest ladies who took my blood every morning, performed the ultrasounds—they were my homies. Like on another level.
I was there every day, almost every cycle. We just kept thinking (and hoping) we would have our baby naturally, so nearly five years went by—and no baby. Just a broken heart.
But then I turned 36 and it was time. So, we started our IVF journey.
IVF & Staying Positive
We did an egg retrieval. Apparently, our results were AH-mazing. All the steps leading up to it where great, too. We kept hearing what we wanted to hear. We did icsi and genetic testing and the whole nine yards. Our hearts were full even though our bank accounts and bodies were stripped.
But I got pregnant.
I was floating on a freaking bubble gum cloud covered with sparkles. Christmastime was approaching and all I could think about was our nursery and decorating the tree and making our house a home for our little family.
Ryan and I have been together for ten years. We’ve had a ball: partied, traveled, laughed, loved. We’ve had it all. We only started to struggle when it came to fertility.
But Life Is Hard. And Sometimes Unfair
I don’t know why it happened to us; we probably won’t ever know. But it did. And guess what?
We are okay.
No, we don’t have a baby. Yes, of course there are times I feel guilty that we’re still here and our angel babies aren’t. You read that right—it was plural. A week after my car accident, the ultrasound showed that we lost both twins. I waited weeks for a miracle. I was in denial.
But time does heal.
SO, I decided to stop focusing on WHY me, and instead went back to my happy place: Painting. I didn’t stop there. I started to dream my dreams again. Once I got my feet back on the ground, I said, fuck it. Because I felt that after a near-death experience, a twin pregnancy loss, and my mom’s cancer scare, that I gosh darn deserved it!
We don’t know what tomorrow brings. It was time to practice what I preach…. And make no excuse but to let myself do what I love. Every. Damn. Day.
I’m still hurt, and I am still healing. But I am okay, Ryan is okay, and we are learning to love the world again. And I am SO glad because I am smiling again. There are so many things I can’t wait to share with you soon.
If you are going through fertility issues, I hear you, I feel you! I saw you in the lineup before work, getting your blood work done, stressed out about it all, and I send you love.
You are not alone.
You will be ok. Life is magic, it’s just up to us to find our own and make it happen.
Don’t be so hard on yourself. You are amazing for trying to even expose yourself to fertility treatments. Whether you have a partner, or you’re doing it on your own, you got this. Be kind, be patient, and love yourself.
Change is good
You know when. You know there is just SO much more out there…
For years I knew. I just didn’t have the balls. And I wanted to have a baby so bad—it overshadowed decisions about everything else in my life. But through all of this I’ve discovered something every important. I am my own security; I am strong enough, I am able. I mother##**ing got this.
Because the thing is, I do have a baby. I own a business I love and I’m lucky enough to be able to pursue it. And it’s time to give Art of Marina the attention it deserves.
It’s time to believe in myself like the people who love me do, do. I just said do-do, LOL!
My life has changed SO much since my first pop-up at Yorkdale Mall. My wings have finally grown…
To read all this quote I re wrote over again.
What if I fall? But what if you fly?
Well guess what? I am starting to fly. And it feels amazing. My fuel is my drive and my intentions are set. The next six months are mine!
What about you???
You are all in my thoughts and I am wishing the second half of 2019 will be your best yet and that you’ll receive everything you wish for.
Now go out and get it.
Remember that we are all going through something; it’s how we get through it that makes us. Let’s not let it break us. Life is short, and we don’t know what time we have – so just trust and be at ease. Trust the timing of your life! I do, and it has finally gotten easier and making more sense.
Know you’ve always got someone in your corner!
Til soon, Loves.